The Shipping Experiment
by aurora0914
Summary: It was marriage at first sight. But should our six heroes really have left their love lives in the hands of three (slightly manic) psychologists?
1. Start 0

**Uh. This was originally posted on Tumblr, but I decided that if I wanted this to be a proper to god finished fic, I have to post it here. So, yeah. Also, since this is my first humour fic - properly done - bare with me. **

**_The Shipping Experiment_**

_Chapter 0_

_Start_

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, let us introduce to you our new public experiment: the shipping experiment!" The booming voice echoed through the microphone, and consequently through the screen. It belonged to a middle aged woman with twin blonde pigtails and slightly mischievous brown eyes: Dr. Tsunade Senju, the resident female psychologist and neurologist.

"This-s is-s a public experiment as-s never s-seen before," Dr. Orochimaru was fully aware how much his s-speech impediment annoyed the general public. But he did it anyway, because their annoyance pleased him.

"We will accept one hundred ladies," Dr. Jiraiya trailed off, his eyes lighting up in a strange manner.

"And one hundred men, all of which will have the most suitable personalities for this experiment. And so, after they are accepted, we pair them up." One might observe that the grin on Tsunade's face had a devilish tinge.

"And then they get married." Jiraiya's tone soured - probably because of all the ladies who would no longer remain single for the duration of the experiment.

"Without s-seeing each other," Orochimaru added. "And they will be married in real life - this-s real life experiment will be s-showed on national TV."

"We look forward to working with all of you!" Tsunade called out, winking.

"And if you want to know who will be pairing you up… That would be us-s."

.

"No! I fucking refuse - I don't give a damn if this will help my publicity-"

"Now, now, Sasuke," Kakashi's eyes were grim. "As your manager, I really do _advise_ you do this."

.

"I'm going to try out for the Shipping Experiment-"

"Are you crazy?"

"Maybe. But Sasuke Uchiha entered - just think about it!"

.

"Are you _sure _about this, Ino?"

"I'm not falling behind that Sakura-pig!"

.

"Shikamaru-"

"They're psychologists. Why not? It'll save me the trouble of finding a wife. It's less troublesome this way."

.

"I'm doing this! Believe it!"

.

"But F-father, I d-don't think this is a good idea-"

"You're not going to get married any other way. And I will not allow you to stain the Hyuuga name."

.

And so ideas were implanted.

**So... If you want this to be updated as soon as possible, I would highly recommend reviews. :)**

**Aurora.**


	2. Applications 1

**And this is the official first chapter after the prologue. I can't believe Im doing this after I swore off Naruto fics o_O.**

**_The Shipping Experiment_**

_Chapter I_

_Applications_

Popular idol Sasuke Uchiha never, ever thought he would ever be doing this.

He was an idol. He had reached the top in various of spheres of entertainment - singing, acting, even dancing (now that was hard and arduous and he doubted he would ever admit how much he hated it). And even if he hadn't, he had a pretty glamorous life to start off with anyway - what with his father being the head of the Uchiha Enterprise, a well known company in the business world.

Hell, once his brother Itachi had taken the reins, it had become the most well known business in the country (and soon, the world, no doubt, knowing Itachi).

And Sasuke being Sasuke, he'd already established a good enough plan for the future already: be a bachelor for the rest of his life, travel, and probably continue working. Then die. And even in his death, he'd be well known and glamorous.

But it seemed like Kakashi Hatake, his faithful manager, had wholly different plans for him.

"Have you heard of the Shipping Experiment, Sasuke?"

Sasuke scoffed. Who hadn't heard of the Shipping Experiment? That show was bound to become a hit. It was crazy and weird as shit, and nowadays, people seemed to _enjoy_ that kind of warped entertainment.

But he was personally sceptical. Who on earth would be crazy enough to enter it?

"I'm taking that as a yes. And well, Sasuke, I have something to tell you."

He eyed Kakashi wearily. Whenever Kakashi assumed that manner of speaking, the outcome was never good - mostly for him. He stayed silent, as he usually did in these situations.

"Well, looking at your image lately… I'm afraid some fans are getting bored of it, Sasuke. You're the same now as you were when you entered this industry five years ago." Now that couldn't have been true, Sasuke thought, somewhat defensively. He was twenty-_five_ now, and previously he had only been twenty.

Kakashi's eye crinkled in amusement. "Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to enter you for the Shipping Experiment - and sources have told me you've already been accepted." He let the news sink in. The grey haired man eyed Sasuke… he should be exploding in three… two… one…

"No! I fucking refuse - I don't give a damn if this will help my publicity-"

But Kakashi could be very persuasive when he wanted to be. Otherwise, there was no way in hell he could have survived as Sasuke's manager for five years straight. "Now, now, Sasuke," his eyes were grim. "As your manager, I really do _advise_ you do this."

Sasuke scowled. "Is it true that I will have to get married? To someone I don't even know?"

Kakashi smiled. Once Sasuke started considering his offer, Kakashi knew he was a goner.

"Yes."

"_No_. I already told you, I won't-"

Kakashi smiled through his mask, and if one could've seen him, they would've thought he was an angel. "Oh, but I've already told your mother - and she was so overjoyed that you were finally getting married-"

Afterwards, his quick agreement would've made Kakashi laugh if he didn't value his life. But nevertheless, the fact remained: one a mama's boy, always a mama's boy.

Whoever thought that Sasuke Uchiha could possibly be something else was gravely incorrect.

.

The news of Sasuke Uchiha entering the absurd Shipping Experiment quickly spread over the vast lands and endless seas. As usual, Sakura Haruno was the first to hear it. And as usual, Sakura Haruno was the first to follow suit.

Sakura had heard it before - the many people muttering the same thing over and over again: "how can a girl so smart be so dumb?!"

And sometimes, even Sakura herself had to agree - she had graduated as the first in her year, after which she applied for one of the best collages in the country (she got accepted, of course). Now, she also entered the best medical school, and at twenty-four, she's planning on becoming a neurologist (or maybe neurosurgeon).

So how can a girl such as herself be so hopelessly in love with a man she's only seen once in real life?!

Well, she was a girl who believed in love-at-first-sight, and she also believed that that was exactly what she had experienced the first time she laid her eyes on Sasuke Uchiha.

He was just the epitome of everything she had ever wanted - everything.

And even though she highly doubted that her dreams would have ever come true, now she had a change, and now - she was certainly going to take advantage of that chance.

And who would be the first to tell, other than her mum?

"I'm going to try out for the Shipping Experiment-"

She couldn't see her mum in real life (as her university was particularly far away) but she should've been able to guess her reaction over the phone, as well as the fact that she would interrupt her in the middle of her relaying the news.

"Are you crazy?"

Maybe she was. When Sasuke Uchiha was brought into it, she could be everything. So that's exactly how she replied: "Maybe. But Sasuke Uchiha entered - just think about it!"

She heard a deep, sad sigh from across the phone. "Do you still believe in all that fat nonsense?"

Sakura scowled. It wasn't nonsense. It's the perfectly plausible fairy-tale dream of a young woman. "Yes. And now I'm entering, whether you like it or not!"

Her mother sighed once more. "Whatever the case, I will be expecting grand babies, young lady - and don't slack off in school!"

A smile broke through the frown on Sakura's face. "I won't!"

.

Ino had always been second to Sakura Haruno. Second. Best.

Always.

And sometimes, it just annoyed the hell out of her. Well, not sometimes. Most of the time.

All of the time.

From the time that they had entered school, to the time that they had exited, she hadn't been able to beat the Teacher's Pet once - not once. And Ino couldn't really say it wasn't a blow to her pride when it _was, _andas the daughter to the head of the Torture Department in the ANBU, it was especially a blow to _her_ pride.

So when she learned that Sakura had announced her never-ending love to Saskue Uchiha, what could she do but follow in suit? Sure, he was handsome and she had liked him previously - just a bit - but he was nothing to lose her feminine pride over. But now that Sakura liked him the way she did - of course, she had to pretend to like him like that just to see her reaction to her rivalry.

So what to do now when she learned that Sakura had a chance to marry Sasuke when she entered the Shipping Experiment?

Enter it too.

And when she told this to Choji (one of her good friends), he seemed quite against it. "Are you sure about this, Ino? I mean, you're getting married to a person who you've never even met-"

Ino smiled, almost bitterly. She'd never really liked anyone anyway, and she had originally planned to stay as a capable police woman, bringing justice to victims and capturing unjust criminals for most of her life.

But plans inevitably changes, and so had hers.

"I'm not falling behind that Sakura-pig!"

.

When Shikamaru heard about it, he was more bored than exulted or impressed. So they'd marry without seeing each other - so what? It wasn't like it was something new in the world. Blind arranged marriages have been a thing since even he didn't know when.

No, rather than bored, he was quite keen on the idea. No longer would he have to search for a wife - ha! The psychologists would find one for him - willingly! He wouldn't have to waste his time with stupid dating rituals and etc, etc. It was great.

Choji had told him about it, actually. Apparently, one of his friends was entering it.

Good for them. So would he. And he told Choji so - Choji, in this case, thought the world was going bonkers (or maybe it was just his friends).

"Shikamaru-"

Shikamaru knew that Choji wouldn't understand his way of thinking, but he tried explaining it anyway. "They're psychologists. Why not? It'll save me the trouble of finding a wife." He sighed, his eyes rolling to towards the sky. "It's less troublesome this way."

"But you don't know who you're marrying, Shikamaru - for all you know, it could be Ino!" Shikamaru knew that. But what was wrong with it being Ino? He'd always had somewhat of an attraction for her, either way…

"Even better. Then we'd know each other, instead of being complete strangers."

Choji sighed, and instead of answering, he opened a bag of crisps he always kept at hand.

.

Naruto Uzumaki had big dreams. He wanted to become the best football player in the country - and maybe, if that happened, even the world. But currently, he was wasted off his ass and laughing to the newest joke Kiba told.

"Since when haven't you gotten laid, Uzukami?" He guffawed, sipping more of his vodka.

Naruto responded in kind. "I dunno - maybe-sin-ce yesterday!" His words were becoming slurred as his alcohol intake steadily increased.

"Boy, you're never gonna get married-"

"Don't want to!" Naruto interrupted, his cheeks rosy in mirth.

"You don't? Well I dare ya!" Kiba answered, eyebrows raised, hair slightly wonky. "You know that show - the Shipping Experiment or somethin'? Well, you get married without even seeing the lucky lady! I dare you to enter it!"

Naruto frowned. Kiba grinned - this way, he could always get Naruto to do something. And Kiba always ended up having a good laugh. "Scared, ya scary cat?"

"Scared? Of course not! I'm doing this! Believe it!"

And although Naruto Uzumaki had big dreams, getting married was not one of them - but even so, he was manipulated into entering the contest that very night, prompted by an equally wasted Kiba Inuzuka.

.

Hiashi Hyuuga was many things. He was the head of a very rich corporation. He was involved with the politics of running the country. And most importantly of all, he was a father to a pair of very troublesome daughters.

God bless all fathers who had daughters.

He stared at his eldest daughter in front of him - he was sad at his failures, but she didn't know that. Why, at twenty-two, she hadn't even had a boyfriend! She hadn't even had a boy friend!

He admitted that this was partially his fault - what with being so strict and all while she was growing up - but still! She could've sneaked around! Disobeyed a couple of rules! Gotten knocked up! Anything!

Anything but this little virginal girl who couldn't possibly give him grand babies any time soon.

Hiashi frowned. He'd lived in a woman's paradise for years - of course the house had maids instead of butlers, a wife instead of another husband, and daughters instead of sons. Of course. Oh, and you can't forget his mother who lived - of course his father died.

That left him to be a very lonely man. Part of a species almost instinct in his own household. It was actually a very alarming situation - there would never be a day where the toilet's seat is left up.

And so! He resolved that through the Shipping Experiment, things would change. The moment he heard of it, the moment he called to tell Hinata that she definitely had to enter it.

"But F-father, I d-don't think this is a good idea-"

Hiashi frowned. How dare she be so against his master plan.

"You're not going to get married any other way," it was a sad truth that even Hiashi had to admit. "And I will not allow you to stain the Hyuuga name." They would no longer be known as the Amazons!

Hiashi would make sure of it.

.

And with that, six individuals entered the completely unheard of before, Shipping Experiment.

**Reviews, please! That really will speed this up :P**

**Aurora. **


	3. Enter Uchiha Sasuke 2

**Enter: Uchiha Sasuke. And I'm warning you, these will not be the pairings you were expecting. There might be a bit of OOCness. The pairings will be a surprise.**

_**The Shipping Experiment**_

_**Chapter II**_

**_Enter Uchiha Sasuke_**

_On Screen_

"And now, we will be doing various examinations to determine the candidate's personality… And their possible perfect fit." Tsunade explained, her eyes staring directly at the camera. She must make sure that the experiment made sense to those watching it. "Some of these examinations include the perusal of living space, and various questionnaires."

Jiraiya looked over at Tsunade before he wiggled his eyebrows. "You can tell many things from a person's home," he said, selling the show.

But it was the pale man besides him that sold it further. "Yes-s. A great many things-s."

_Behind The Scenes_

"What exactly are you trying to say, Jiraiya?" Tsunade said, and it came out sounding like a snarl.

"You know exactly what I'm trying to say, Tsunade," he wiggled his eyebrows once more. Tsunade would've felt lost if it weren't for Jiraiya's eyes - and for their gaze that dropped lower… and lower… and lower…

Tsunade scowled, her hand forming a fist.

"I mean, I will finally end up learning the truth about those babies-"

The fist went straight into Jiraiya's face.

.

_Behind The Scenes_

"So this is the great Sasuke Uchiha," the middle aged woman said, her lips forming a smirk. She was very blatantly staring at the very famous young male in front of her - when she had read his application, she almost couldn't believe her eyes. Almost, because her eyes were extremely trustworthy.

The young man in question was sulking heavily. How dare they, he fumed. How dare they actually accept Kakashi's (because of course it was written by him) half assed application! How dare they-

No, they were not the ones to blame, he reminded himself. The one to blame was standing next to him nonchalantly - he was the root of all of this. His pain, his suffering, his tears-

The grey haired man elbowed the actor without remorse. "Stop being melodramatic, Sasuke," he whispered, his mask also helping to muffle the sound.

Sasuke flinched. It had occurred to him - more than one time but - was Kakashi a mindreader?!

_On Screen_

"It's-s very nice to meet you, S-sasuke," Orochimaru murmured, his snaky eyes lighting up in interest. "I've heard a great many things-s about you."

But who hasn't? Of course they've heard a lot about him - he was famous. But if he wasn't - god damn it, that comment would have been creepy. It already was, if he wanted to be very honest. But he couldn't betray his inward emotions because this was being recorded on camera - therefore, his fans would be able to see him. He could not afford to look weak (or uncool) in front of his fans.

Sasuke was very careful with that. "Likewise. What is your specialty as a psychologist?" He asked, not very curious. But at the very least, he'd show some common curtesy.

Orochimaru smiled, as if that was the question he'd been waiting for.

"S-sexologist," he admitted, his tongue (which was very long, Sasuke thought in horror) licking his teeth. "I've had more than one course on it. My colleague, Jiriaya, was s-somewhat jealous." The colleague in question muttered curses under his breath.

"…" said Sasuke, his obsidian eyes flicking over to Kakashi. How could he do this to him? How could he leave the fate of his marriage to these… these… psychos?

Kakashi only shrugged his shoulders, nonchalant as always.

_Behind The Scenes_

Kakashi had to scold Sasuke, who was standing silently while staring into the distance, pondering over the meaning of life.

"You have to sell the show, Sasuke!" he explained impatiently, particularly annoyed at the fact he had to take a break from his erotic manga books. "Stop acting like a newbie!"

"Maybe I am a newbie... an insignificant speck of dust among the plethora of space which is the universe," Jiraiya looked impressed at his choice of vocabulary, while Kakakshi sighed like he wasn't paid enough to deal with him. Which he was. The damn thief took 25 percent of his income.

"I'm glad you've realised this. Now if you don't mind, hurry up and sell yourself to the audience - and for christ's sake, _stop looking like a lost child!"_

"But I don't wanna get married," Sasuke's wail went unheard.

.

_On Screen_

"So, Sasuke, we'll begin with our first question on the list," Tsunade sounded exceptionally professional (for once), "why did you decide to join us on the hunt for a partner?"

Sasuke avoided glaring at Kakashi but it was impossible. "Because," he struggled getting through the next words, "I feel like it's time for me to settle down," _urgh _"with someone that will love me for who I am, and not what I do." Did he just say that? Sasuke felt like puking and drinking alcohol at the same time. "It's hard to find someone like that in the celebrity world," now he was being truthful, actually, "and I'm hoping that you all will be able to help me meet someone that's out of my comfort zone."

Acting had never been as hard as it was now.

Tsunade smiled. "That's sweet, Sasuke," she murmured, and while she seemed genuine, Sasuke _knew _she was laughing at him on the inside. They were all laughing at him. Hell, he'd even be laughing at himself if they were not airing on national television (possibly international later on). "Now that we've established that... let's move onto the second question. Now, I'm sure you've been asked this question many times, as a famous singer, but for my own research, I must ask you again: what are you searching for in a partner?"

Sasuke felt like his head was a blank sheet of paper, and that Tsunade had spoken to him in ancient Greek. Partner? What is that? What is searching? What were words?

Speak out of your ass, Sasuke, he tried to think, but then was reminded that depending on what he said, that was the partner that he'd be getting married to. Fuck this shit. "Someone like..." was there a female that he didn't hate? Sasuke thought hard about it. Oh yes. His mother. She was wonderful - and she always cooked wonderfully, too. Sasuke had always had a spot for good food. "My mother," he declared, and Tsunade's eyebrows shot up like she wasn't expecting that response - and she wasn't - it was a typical nerd boy response, and Sasuke Uchiha was never the type to seem or look like a nerd.

"And what is your mother like?" she further questioned, not letting him off with just that (embarrassing) answer.

"Long dark hair, kind, strong, and cooks well," he described, a bit vague, but he reckoned it was good enough.

"Is there anything else that you would want in a partner?" Tsunade stressed further, deciding that the details she had weren't detailed enough. She had to know if she wanted to make a good match for him. That, and it was kind of funny to watch him struggle as he answered her queries.

He wanted everything but a fangirl, but he wasn't sure how to phrase that without making his fans hate him. "I would like for her to be gentle and quiet. And a challenge for me." He finally decided that an answer like that was acceptable enough. Tsunade nodded, finally putting him out of his misery.

"What do you want out of this marriage?" he had spoken too soon. No, she was just getting started. What did he want out of marriage? Well, how could he phrase this: he didn't want marriage in the fucking first place, damn it. And now here was this blonde woman with huge knockers asking him what he wanted out of something that he didn't want in the first place. This time he'd fire Kakashi. He swore to god.

"I want her to say welcome home when I come back from work," he rambled, saying anything that came to mind. "I want her to listen to me while I tell her about work. I want to relax with her, and have her relax me. A homely kind of feeling."

Tsunade listened intently and nodded when he was finished. "Thank you, Sasuke," she told him formally. "Those were all the questions from me, and now I'll be handing you over to Jiraiya." She turned to the camera. "Thank you for listening, and I hope you join us after a small break!"

_Behind The Scenes_

"You did it on purpose, you fucking bitch," Sasuke seethed, looking positively livid.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sasuke," she answered back, trying to look innocent. "Those were only the standard questions."

"You - you," the Uchiha was about to go and bitch slap her or something (he was not one to discriminate over gender) but Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him from doing something stupid. "Oh, now you decide to come and act like a manager," he drawled sarcastically, not turning to face him. "And if you want to know, I blame you. This. Is. All. Your. Fault."

"Good to know," the silver haired man said agreeably, and Sasuke swore that one day - one day - he'd murder him in his sleep... when he was least expecting it.

.

_On Screen_

Sasuke stared at the man before him, chills steadily creeping up his spine (and he couldn't understand why). The look it his eye was rather unnerving - almost appreciative. Sasuke had been attacked by many gay men before, but he'd usually been able to escape them quickly. If this sickly pale man was gay, there wasn't a way for him to escape him any time soon (because of a certain damnable manager). Instead he'd have to bear it as those creepy yellow snake-like eyes visually raped him.

He waited for Orochumari or whatever to say something, but the guy wasn't budging. It felt so awkward, but Sasuke wasn't one to succumb to pressure. But - damn it all - Orachimoro was making his life difficult, up to the point where he couldn't take it any longer.

"Will you be asking me questions?" Sasuke asked, trying not to show how weak he felt for giving in. All he ever seemed to do was give in, these days.

"Yes-s," the 'psychologist' answered, and turned to face the camera. "With Tsunade, we explored what you are s-searching for in a partner, or rather your s-significant other. With me, we will be exploring _you, _S-sasuke." He gave a crooked smile with his teeth the colour of his eyes. Sasuke tried not to twitch and run away screaming. "Your thoughts-s and your feelings," he added, making the statement a _bit _more redeemable.

"..." Sasuke managed to say intelligibly, saving his reputation by looking away from the camera. If he ever had to come face to face with the face he was currently making, he wasn't sure how he'd face the shame.

"So, S-sasuke," he continued soothly, as if he hadn't said or done anything creepy at all, "What can you tell us-s about you? How would you describe yourself briefly?"

How could he describe himself in a way that didn't seem narcissistic but was still charming and confident was the real question here. To be frank, Sasuke was a bit more in his element here - he'd just have to deal with Orochiwawa the same way he dealt with other reporters, journalists, paparazzi and the like. "I'm a perfectionist," he stated, which was the general response that he used to excuse his habits to the rest of the world. "I can't publish my work without it being the best I can possibly make it - even if that means there's only one hair out of place and that I'd have to redo the whole project all over again."

"What is-s your favourite colour?" Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. How the hell did that have anything to do with anything? The psychologist - more like a half-assed tabloid journalist, Sasuke thought bitterly - turned to the camera. "Colour is a big indicator of a person's personality. Cooler, darker tones-s tend to indicate a more s-serious personality while brighter tones like yellow and orange tend to s-symbolise bright and fun-loving people." What a load of rubbish, Sasuke thought, rolling his eyes. He might've laughed if the situation wasn't so dire - these idiots were deciding who he was marrying, for crying out loud.

"S-sasuke?" He questioned, indicating to the Uchiha that he was expecting a response. Sasuke frowned. How was he supposed to say 'black' without sounding like an emo?

"I quite like navy blue," he finally said, recognising that the colour was close enough to black. It would have to do.

"Interesting," was the murmured reply. "I'm sure you'd be glad to know, S-sasuke, I have one last question - what would you say is the most important thing to you?"

That was quite a good question and it made Sasuke feel a little impressed. What was the most important thing to him? His pride? His career? His life? No, above everything else, the most important thing had to be - "My family," acknowledging that although his brother was an annoying pain in the ass, although his father was an arrogant prick, and although his mother was an irredeemable worry-wart, he wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

"Well, thank you for s-staying with us-s until now. Please join us-s after a s-small break, as we move on to explore what lies-s within S-sasuke Uchiha's living s-space!"

_Behind The Scenes _

"By the way, S-sasuke, my name is Orochimaru. O-ro-chi-ma-ru."

Sasuke's face reddened then rapidly whitened. He excused himself from the room under the pretext of a toilet break.

It left Orochimaru to look at the spot where he disappeared off to, an unnaturally large smirk on his face.

.

_Behind The Scenes_

"Kakashi," Sasuke growled, staring at the camera crew that were beginning to invade his personal space. "Why the fuck are they here?!"

"I thought Orochimaru had already told you, Sasuke. You should've paid attention." The silver haired man shrugged, turning a page in his book (that was clearly aimed at the intelligent side of society, Sasuke was sure). In order not to show weakness, he wouldn't mention how he had been too focused on not running away with his tail behind his legs to pay attention to whatever the fuck that creep was saying.

"Whatever the case, they're starting to film soon," Kakashi observed and walked to where the camera men were.

_On Screenu_

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are back with your favourite show, the Shipping Experiment! Before the break, we approached Sasuke with multiple questions about himself and about what he wished his future partner and wife to be. Now, rather than making him answer any more questions, we will analyse the scene ourselves! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Sasuke Uchiha's most personal and private space: the apartment he lives in!"

Sasuke could almost imagine the cheers that would erupt at the end of Jiraiya's grand speech. He almost felt like he was on a football pitch, and that the crowd was eagerly watching him fight against his opponent. In this case, the opponent was the world - Kakashi and Jiraiya especially.

The Uchiha was about to step forward and give Jiraiya a piece of his mind, but his manager stopped him. "Remember, Sasuke, you aren't supposed to be here. We're just following Jiraiya around to make sure he doesn't do something... And so I can monitor the progress of this show." Kakashi nodded, serious for once.

"Why did he come in from out of nowhere?!"

"That was kind of the point," Kakashi replied, his eye twinkling. "To observe you in your natural habitat."

"What is that supposed to-" Jiraiya interrupted his angry hiss mid-sentence.

"As we can see, everything is quite orderly," Jiraiya mentioned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "So Sasuke wasn't lying when he said he was a perfectionist. His living room also seems to be quite sparse, providing all the necessities. Hmm... a woman's touch is missing." Well obviously, Sasuke thought, rolling his eyes. "It seems very black and white..." Jiraiya was no longer Jiraiya: Sasuke had renamed him to Captain Obvious. "From this we can assume that he is a simple man. He enjoys simple things, and does not like the complicated... Or is simple under a complicated pretext."

_What?! _Sasuke wondered if Jiraiya had a couple of screws loose. Or maybe he was trying to accommodate to his 'mysterious' image. Sasuke hoped this was the case.

"Let's move onto his bedroom," The white haired man called out, and there was a spark of expectancy in his eyes. Upon entering however, his spark died. For his room was plain white, with a single bed and black covers and a nightstand with a lamp on it. Sasuke would've put a television in there, but he normally had no time to watch it. "Once more, his bedroom is the same style as his living room.." the spark had died, and all that's left was disappointed. Sasuke wondered what the man was expecting.

"This shows that he doesn't spend much time at home. As expected of such a busy celebrity. And he seems to be always on guard, as even his most private space, his room, is squeaky clean..." Jiraiya shook his head. "There's nothing more to this story. I have gathered all I need to gather. Thank you for staying with us until the end, and we hope to see you next episode!"

_Behind The Scenes_

As soon as he was finished, the psychologist walked up to Sasuke and patted his hand in sympathy. "It's alright Sasuke, we'll find a woman whose body will make even _you _think dirty things. We can't have a man such as yourself be a _virgin, _of all things." Jiraiya shook his head, as if he had come to a problem that he couldn't understand. "It's alright," he continued to murmur and pat the stunned Sasuke. "We'll fix you," he muttered one last time before walking out, almost as if he was in a daze.

Kakashi looked at him, with matching sympathy. "You're a _virgin, _Sasuke?"

"Shut the hell up," Sasuke said weakly, collapsing on his bed. He had just never found a woman that he trusted enough to have sex with. Was that so wrong?! What was up wtih modern society?! Why was everyone so obsessed with sex?!

"Sasuke," Kakashi said carefully, "I think we might have to take you to Jiraiya for special therapy."

Sasuke's response was a pillow thrown to Kakashi's head.

**I would really appreciate reviews.**


End file.
